If You Sprinkle...

There is a smell in the bathroom at my office. It is not a normal bathroom smell – but completely unidentifiable and definitely unpleasant. I can’t figure out exactly what the smell is from, because even when the bathroom is clean, the smell still lingers. But I’m sure that the usage it gets contributes to the everlasting odor.

I have a fear of men’s bathrooms because they are supposed to be filthy. Now, maybe it’s a myth – I haven’t been in enough men’s bathrooms to know. I think it stems from the fact that men may miss their targets when taking care of business. So here is another myth that needs to be dispelled: women miss too.

Women’s restrooms are some of the dirtiest places I’ve been. Some are even so bad that I have to hold my breath while rushing through my business. The women-don’t-miss myth implies that since a woman needs to sit in order to use the toilet, there is no chance of missing. A logical conclusion - I mean, how can a girl miss if the source is already practically in the toilet? But no, a woman can definitely miss…and mostly due to the hover technique.

Now, while I have already discussed the hover technique in The Unmistakable Smell of Urine, let me repost it here to refresh your memory.

*start of excerpt*

Most women just don’t enjoy “sitting” where hundreds of women before them have sat (although I can think of many dirty ones who do). These women actually opt not to completely sit when doing nature’s bidding. This is what I fondly call the “hover technique”. Sounds simple enough: simply hover over the toilet and go. However, the hover technique is one of the hardest things to perfect. Even seasoned veterans of the hover technique can still suffer setbacks, like too-small stalls (which do not lend themselves to the space necessary to hover) or off-balance days – disastrous to women who are in the midst of hovering. And for those novices, things can be even more challenging. Trying to find the right angle at which to hover or the perfect speed at which to let go – not things that can be picked up overnight.

*end of excerpt*

Women who think (key word: think) they have perfected the hover technique do run into little snags here and there. The most common, and most minor, problem is a little sprinkle on the toilet seat. Now, I will be the first to admit, that I have sprinkled on the seat in the past, and probably will again many times in the future. We’ve all had a little sprinkle in our lives. Given our physical makeup, it’s unavoidable. However, all women should know this phrase:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Please be neat and wipe the seat.

I have the urge to print out copies of this phrase in capital, bold letters and tape it into every stall I can find on my floor. And that’s only for a teeny, tiny sprinkle. Some of these women flood the seat, which results in spillover, and then they turn a blind eye!

I would prefer not to be the sign nazi, posting signs to flush the toilet (yes, some women find it very difficult to flush the toilet, leaving seat cover, toilet paper, and all just hanging around for another innocent women to discover), to wash hands, and wipe off a wet counter before exiting (don’t you just love it when you walk too close to the bathroom counter and come away with a line across your shirt because the counter was soaking wet?). Things like this start making my eye twitch and my fingers flinch uncontrollably. I want to post signs. I need to post signs. But instead, I sit here, fume, and write my frustration out like this.